sometimes i wonder if i even have the courage to dream anymore. falling back on philosophy and abstractions is so much easier. dealing with people is the greatest frustration any human being can encounter so much so that sartre said, “hell is other people.” to dream of success in society, as a banker, a singer, or any other title is fighting for place, fighting for power and respect. how wonderful if things came only to those who were capable and competent, but power and aggression so often overtake them. to always fight or always surrender, that is the question.

Momdukes used to play this record constantly. Between Anita and Patty LaBelle, I learned everything there is to know about the mysterious engine called love.

i am at my father’s house in goldsboro, nc, but someone else has moved in. there is a young girl there, light-skinned, pretty, and we are flirting. i am not supposed to be in the house. her parents are coming home soon. our flirtation turns sexual. mid-coitus, I ask if her parents are coming home soon. she says yes. i have to get out of the house. i go stand outside bare-chested. just then her parents and family, as well as my father, show up. the house quickly fills up with people. no one seems to suspect anything. they are nice to me. the girl has gone into the bathroom in the back. i follow her and, finding her, ask if she needs any morning after pills, the consequences of our actions suddenly apparent. she thinks i’m funny. i ask if i can call her and she says no but i can give her my number. i write it down after some difficulty and she turns it over and looks at it, trying to decipher my handwriting with a kind smile. i’m learning, she tells me. i wake up.

my son has a real set of pipes. he cries and cries when he doesn’t get the attention he wants. I sometimes wonder if I’m not fucking him up by letting him cry it out instead of picking him up after bedtime. but society is like this, so often insensitive to the needs of the individual. for that matter, so is the idea of God.

turns out that withdrawal from heavy cannabis use is the same as cigarette withdrawal.

dreamt i was in college. but still married. there is a girl i want who isn’t my wife. i seduce her and plan to take her to my man cave which is separate from my house where my wife lives. in fact my wife has suggested this man cave to me herself and i am tickled at the cleverness of my scheme. only problem is i don’t have a car. me and the woman wander around looking for a ride. i call for a taxi but i can’t find one. i ask my college buddy camille for a ride but she senses my intentions and declines. i’m frustrated. i want to fuck this girl so badly. my eyes land on her voluptuous ass and i come on myself.