This Morning’s Thoughts [Dread is my Muse]
I don’t know who I am anymore and it’s scaring the shit out of me. It’s like being in a out-of-control Toyota careening through a promenade full of people. I don’t know who (or what) I’m going to hit and I can’t stop. I keep grabbing the wheel, twisting it this way and that, but it doesn’t respond. I’m accelerating.
I’m trying to relax. Listening to Alan Watts, smoking trees, sitting zazen and making salaat; sometimes it helps, most of the time it doesn’t.
I tell myself I need to give this or that thing up, adopt this or that practice. I’m restless even while I’m working. Nights, I don’t dream.
I thought having Langston would solve these existential problems. It hasn’t. Its exacerbated them if anything. Now instead of simply contemplating my own misery, I can’t help thinking about the misery I will pass on to him. How many of my troubles will he carry along in his own life, twisting inside with the uncomfortable knowledge that he cannot locate their origin or their solution?
There isn’t any easy trick to tie this thought to together. Some will read it and offer their opinions–trust God, take a vacation, feel better. They won’t be talking to me. I’ve heard everything except what I have to say.
That’s why I write.
REPLY))
do something different and do it with sincerity and purity of heart for those you love. the outta control dread you feel we (humans of the earth) all feel if we’re willing to admit it. i feel like that too and my dilemma is that i have 6 riding with me. no more jumping out and getting a hottie to continue on my way. i gotta ride this one out till the end. i’m being completely honest with my passengers though and considering our best intrests collectively at every pothole.
REPLY))
Thought itself is limited to symbols and signs. I had a spark of understanding the other day over a issue that was bothering me. It didn’t answer the question directly but answered a bunch of issues all at once. I rushed after to put it into words, but then i stopped. I don’t think i could or would want to. I don’t care to be right for my ego’s satisfaction. He has an insatiable appetite.